“When in polite society,” my grandfather opined, “never talk about religion or politics.” Then he would dismiss himself from said “polite society” and talk about nothing but religion and politics.

Mostly, he talked about politics and believe me, he had a lot to say on the subject. Much cannot be repeated in polite society or any other society.

All I know about politics I learned from my grandfather and yet, to this day I don’t know if he was a Republican or a Democrat. He prided himself in being an independent thinker.

He was so much an independent thinker that often he would take the opposite side of an argument.

For more than 20 years, he served in the Department of Transportation regardless of the political party in office at the time. In fact, he was the only person who never got fired when a new administration came to power. Every new administration thought he was on their side.

If a Republican was in office, he talked Republican and when a Democrat was in office, he talked Democrat. “It doesn’t matter what you say,” he once told me, “once inside that voting booth you are always boss.” Then with a devious smile he would repeat, “always.”

Few things in life he respected more than that voting booth. He deemed it a sacred obligation to vote and never missed a chance to exercise his American citizenship duty.

It was simply impossible to know how he voted. The secrecy of his vote was the most precious thing he knew and could never understand why people boasted of who they were voting for.

I suspect, and I have no reason to really know this, he probably voted people “out of office” rather than in. Just a hunch I have, but will never know for sure.

During the recent political campaign I heard the phrase, “the devil is in the details.” The first time I heard that phrase it came from my grandfather. But he always said it a little differently. “The devil,” he stated, “is in de tales.” Then he would slap his knee and roar with laughter.

At the time, I laughed with him but I really did not know the full import of his little joke. Thirty years later, I’m beginning to understand what my grandfather was talking about and I’m inclined to believe he was right on the money.

It is not the “details” that gives so much trouble, it is the insistence of “de tales,” where the devil lies. It is probably as difficult for a politician to tell the straight truth as it is for a porcupine to go into business blowing up balloons for birthday parties.

My grandfather taught me that for a politician the truth equals “fact” plus “spin.” The spin, he alleged, was much more important than the fact. According to my grandfather, any politician worth his salt can take any fact and spin it to make him look like the winner.

It is not so much that politicians lie, they just doctor up the facts to the point that the truth would not recognize it. A veteran politician can take a simple sentence like, “The black cat crossed the road,” and spin it for personal advantage.

“I have a plan for that black cat, so he will not have to cross the road. I voted for building a new road before I voted against it. In my plan, no cat in America will be left behind.

“My plan will give every cat and their families free veterinary care for the rest of their life. I will look every cat in the eye and promise him or her that I will never raise his or her taxes.

“To pay for my plans I will only tax dogs. Everyone knows dogs in America get all the breaks and have much more than cats. I understand every cat’s pain and I have a plan.

“Under my opponent’s plan, every cat in America has gone from nine lives down to three. In my plan I will assure every cat in America at least 12 lives.”

I’m sorry my grandfather is no longer with us. He certainly would enjoy all the hullabaloo associated with this present election.

In reflecting on my grandfather, I was reminded of some verses from the Bible, which may or may not apply in our present condition. I was amazed at how harsh the Bible is on people who lie and perpetuate a lie.

“Blessed are they that do his commandments, that they may have right to the tree of life, and may enter in through the gates into the city. For without are dogs, and sorcerers, and whoremongers, and murderers, and idolaters, and whosoever loveth and maketh a lie.” (Revelation 22:14-15 KJV).

“But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake, which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death.” (Revelation 21:7-8 KJV.)

Perhaps someone should enact a law forbidding people to lie and bear false witness against a neighbor. Wait a minute. If I’m not mistaken, there is one.

In the Ten Commandments, the ninth commandment says, “Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour.” (Exodus 20:16 KJV.)

This just may be the reason some people are against the Ten Commandments. To practice politics apart from religion is chaos - as our present condition proves.

About the Author

Rev. James L. Snyder is an award winning author and columnist living in Ocala, FL with his wife, Martha.


16.05.2008. | Categories: Humor + More | Comments Off

Copyright by Victoria Elizabeth 2004. All rights reserved.

WELCOME TO WITCHVILLE
(Home of Scream Cuisine & Other Stuff)

Living in Victoria, BC (Canada) has a few perks.

Second to Salem, Massachusetts (the world capital of witchcraft), Victoria, BC is Canada’s “most haunted house city”.

This “California-North”, left-coast, cosy community with the unique distinction of being dubbed Canada’s “garden city”, it also has something else strange going for it.

According to the most recent Canadian census,it seems that Victoria has the largest per-capita witch population in the country. In fact, more than 1,000 folks filled out a form declaring themselves truly “out-of-broomstick the-closet”! However, more optimistic estimates, by the local pagan and witch community, put this figure closer to 5,000!

Even though Statistics Canada has stated that paganism is the fastest- growing religion in the country, Victoria has earned the novel title of being one of the few places in the country where witches can legally marry, wear witch attire in public, (and die) in grace.

So what makes Victoria such a “happening Halloween place” all-year round?

Some have said, it is Victoria’s strategic location on the San Andreas fault line. (The “energy of the place” makes it a great spot for those who like to feel the earth tremble beneath their web-feet — it also rains here).

Other’s say it has to do with the ocean (and perhaps far too many seagulls leaving their telltale signs behind to guide the ghosts around at all hours of day and night).

But most scientists agree, it probably has something to do with the very strange sort of people who live here (namely a high proportion of hot-air politicians, and alternative lifestylers who enjoy wearing point-black hats, hob-nailed hiking boots, and riding recycled broomsticks to work in Beacon Hill Park (a place where pentagrams can be worn openly without anyone batting an eye).

But hold on now — there’s something missing. After all, what would Halloween be without a little “scream cuisine”?

After checking out the 1,940 websites devoted to goblin gourmet and other ghoulish goodies, there are oodles of things to whet the whistle and appetite of the hobgoblins and ghosts in your neighborhood.

Main Course:

– Cervelle de Canut (Silkweaver’s Brain - an herbed cheese from Lyon, France)
– Cheesy Apple Fangs
– Cheese & Olive Fingers
– Crispy Bat’s Wings with Mushy Green Mash
– Goosebump Gravy
– Ghoulish Gruel
– Halloween Vegetarian Chili
– Spider Web Party Dip
– The Devil’s Salsa & Tortilla Spikes

Drinks:

– Black Widow Fizz
– Bloody Marys
– Blue Witches’ Brew (…ha-ha)
– Cranberry Blood-Curdling Brew
– Pina Ghoulada

Dessert:

– Banana Ghouls
– Black Cat Cupcakes
– Ghoulish Petites Fours (courtesy of Martha Stewart)
– Ghoulish Gooey Bars
– Langues de chat (Cat’s Tongues - a French Sugar Cookie)
– Orange Ooze Cupcakes
– Spooky Spider Cake

However, should a wisecracking whippet like George Bush Sr. kick up a fuss at your Halloween Feast Table by stamping his feet and shouting, “I’m President of the United States, and I’m not going to eat any more broccoli!” …fear not.

Gently remind the offending soul about Hannibal Lecter’s fondness for food and unpalatable friends, “I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti”, (from the 1991 film, “The Silence of the Lambs”).

Now the real question is … who knows what delicious delights wait to be devoured and by whom at your Halloween party!

Oh, and the thought of eating frogs eyes, and pickled pigs toes doesn’t grab you…why not visit Victoria and enjoy the “Ghosts of Victoria Festival” — a great way to kick back with lots of other weird and wonderful folk like you!

About the Author

Victoria Elizabeth, is a saucy scribe who muses about Life, the Universe and Everything In-Between through the pages of “The Quipping Queen” (http://www.quippingqueen.blogspot.com)


30.04.2008. | Categories: Humor + More | Comments Off

Forget about the SAT, never mind the FCAT, and remove forever from you mind any thoughts about the ACT. All these test pale in comparision to the examination that I just failed. Failing those test may have minor repurcussions like never making it into college and therefore being forced to work at fast food resturants well into you 40’s. That’s nothing. I just flunked a quiz that could scar me for life.

This morning I was doing my usual morning ritual of checking my email and all my affiliate programs to see if I had made any money online yesterday. I hadn’t, in fact I never do, but I’ve found it’s a great way to waste an hour or two. What usually happens is I get sidetracked by some banner or pop-up and I end up lost in the middle of cyberspace signing up for a free registration to some weird website just so I can get a free ebook with a title like ‘Online Profits From Artichoke Juice!”. This morning, however, I stumbled across a real winner. I came across a link that I just had to click. I was at JokesUnlimited.com reading redneck jokes when I saw ‘Fun Quizzes: Can you guess which butts are male or female?

From the extreme look of excitement in your eyes I can tell that you feel the same way I felt when I saw the Butt Quiz link. My first thought was: ‘Pictures of female butts! Yeeeessss! And it’s a quiz so I don’t have to feel dirty about it. It’s educational! Yeeeesssss! I immediately clicked the link and started my quiz.

In hindsight(no pun intended), the expression ‘Fools Rush In’ comes to mind. I blindly rushed into this quiz in a testosterone induced urge to look at female hindparts and I forgot to think the whole thing through. I forgot to take a moment and reflect. I forgot that there were going to be male hindparts on the quiz too. Hairy male hindparts. In thongs.

Needless to say, I failed the quiz. I got 8 out of 15 right. That’s about 60 percent. An ‘F’ in almost all 50 states. Even New Jersey. I, Tim Ward, humor columnist and straight male could not distinguish between the gluteus maximus of the male and female gender. I started to wonder: Were some of the butts that I said were female really male? If so, does that mean I find some men’s butts attractive? Do I have a male butt fetsih that I didn’t know about? Do I secretly enjoy slapping guys on the butt after a good sports play? And what about the woman’s butts that I classified incorrectly? Has it really been that long since I’ve seen a bare female behind? Am I forgetting what the female body looks like?

All these questions have been running through my head since I failed my first Butt Quiz. It got to the point where I’m thinking about scheduling a retest. But this time I’ll be sure to plenty of studying in advance. So ladies, if you see me taking large hard looks at your posterior region, I’m not a pervert, I’m just doing a little research. And to the fellas, forgive me if I give more that the usual amount of congratulatory butt slaps on the basketball court for awhile. I’m just trying to further my education…And maybe work through a fetish or two.

You can take the Butt Quiz for yourself at:http://www.jokesunlimited.com/buttquiz.php

About the author:

Tim Ward invites you to subscribe to his weekly humor column ‘I Never Said I Was Normal’ so that you can get a regular does of him in your inbox. Visit: http://www.timward.1afm.com


28.04.2008. | Categories: Humor + More | Comments Off